I can tell the people who have been through their own personal hell. They are the ones who don’t criticize, offer unsolicited advice, or judge those who suddenly find their own world ripped apart. You see, you can’t know how you will behave when your life is suddenly turned upside down. Your actions may be completely out of character, you may do things you once swore you would never do.

So remember when someone who calls you friend loses a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, a job, a home, their faith has been shaken, and their values suddenly take on a whole new meaning. They question why. But they don’t need you to answer for them. They are only asking. It’s a rhetorical question, you see.

I can tell the people who have truly experienced and lived through a devastating experience because that is the person who will not tell you that God is testing you. God does not test your faith. He knows your faith because He knows your heart. God does not cause your children to die, your spouse to abandon you, your boss to down size, or your house to be lost in a fire. These are random results of the universe. This is what happens when people make decisions that affect you. God has no desire to see you suffer. So spare those who are suffering the religious clichés. Because believe me, they sound like judgments, whether that is your intent or not.

I can tell the people who have been to the blackest of holes and have made their way back. These people are wise. They are wise enough to realize that you will do what you need to do to survive, and that for some time, surviving is all you will be capable of doing. They have the wisdom to see their past hurt in your eyes, hear the echo of their almost forgotten agony as you voice the pain each new day brings, and the compassion to stay silent. The wise are silent.

I can tell the people who have woken up day after day and wondered how they can still be alive when it seems they should have drowned in sorrow. These are the people who will never try to compare their experience with your own. Nor will these people tell you about a person they know who also is “going through” the same thing. You see, they don’t tell you this because they know that no one else has ever faced the challenges that life has now brought you. You are unique in your pain, your experience, and how you deal with it.

I can tell the people who have taken the events of their own personal hell and have grown from them. These are the people who will allow you to grow, in your own way, from yours. They will stand on the other side of your dark, long tunnel, where the light is, and wait for you. They won’t rush you. They won’t tell you to walk faster, or slower, sideways or back. They won’t encourage you to run when you can barely crawl. They won’t tell you to slow down when you suddenly want to race. They will laugh with joy when you finally see the light and start to skip towards them.

And they will continue to stand there, knowing this is a journey you need to make on your own, but with their arms open. For when you finally reach the end of that tunnel, you will look back at your footsteps, your decisions, and your choices. You will acknowledge them, honor them, and not regret a single one because each one needed to be experienced in exactly the way it was for you to be able to stand in the light. Alive and whole. Finally.