It’s been a year. Well, over a year now. A year and two weeks to be exact. A year since the metaphorical rug that once was my life was pulled out from under me, and I landed flat on my ass. The thud of that landing could be heard around the world…it was deafening. I haven’t written a whole lot in the past year. I still don’t know why that is, since I love to write. I feel blocked. Writing is therapeutic, but for some reason when I thought of writing, I was filled with anxiety. Writing also forces me to confront my many demons. Also, one jackass wrote a really mean post in response to one of my articles…I hid from myself after that.

Hiding is not the right action. I love to write. I need to write. Let me just give the warning now: My writing is brash, sometimes hostile, and often bitter. It is also witty, reliable, unrelentingly honest, and completely me. Oh. And intelligent. Did I mention that?

Back to that metaphorical carpet that landed me on my butt. Yep. One year since my ex husband left. Yes, EX husband. The divorce was final about a month ago. I am now officially a free woman. I celebrated my own Independence Day this year. It was awesome.

This article will be a little (okay, a LOT) unorganized and chaotic. I have a lot of thoughts that are pushing to get out. I could write a five page article…but I won’t. You’re welcome. I’d like to write about the most important part of my life right now: My children.

I wish I could say my girls have come out of this experience unscathed. I can’t. I am not the only one still dealing with the anger of the last year. Unfortunately, my oldest daughter is carrying around a lot of anger and pain. As her mother, this kills me. How do I know my girl is still hurting? We will be watching TV, and I’ll look across the room at her, and she will be watching me, not the TV, with a raw look of hurt on her face. Other times I notice it when I pick the girls up from their father’s. I’ll catch my girl’s eyes in the rearview mirror, and there is such an open look of hostility on her face it leaves me breathless.

At those moments, I wonder what I have done to earn that hostility. She is always the angriest with me after a visit from her father. Does she blame me? Does she wonder if I didn’t try hard enough? Does she question what I could have done differently? Does she think I gave up on us too soon? These are all questions that used to plague me as well. They don’t anymore, and someday I’ll be able to explain to her about choices. I’ll be able to tell her that we can’t force people to love us. I’ll be able to tell her that I have forgiven myself for the mess I made of my marriage. I just hope my children can someday forgive me too.

Surprised to hear me say that? I’m not completely blameless for the demise of my marriage. I could have been a better wife, I’m sure. I got caught up in my children, as a lot of women do. Day to day life was difficult. I was seriously depressed, and I’m sure, no picnic to live with. I could be very mean as well. I said a lot of things I regret. One thing I won’t do is pretend I’m faultless. However, I was true. I was honest. I knew how bad it was, but I believed in my vows.

I still believe in marriage vows, believe they are for life. Mine wasn’t an ugly marriage; there was no fighting, no yelling or screaming, and no name calling. I didn’t think I was unhappy. I just knew I wasn’t happy either. But I did love my ex husband. I just don’t think I did a very good job of showing it.

Life is all about the mistakes we make and the lessons we take from those mistakes. And I have been schooled this year. Mistake upon mistake I have made. The awesome thing about mistakes though, is the way we learn from them. I have learned to not take people for granted. I have learned that words do hurt, a lot. I have learned to not play games with people’s hearts. I have learned to respect the word “love” and the feelings it invokes…and that it is not a word to be thrown around lightly.  I have learned a new meaning of the word commitment, about the word in relationship to myself, and that not everyone believes in commitment. I do. Deeply. I have also learned about friendship and loyalty, and that the two words do not always go hand in hand…for others. For me, they are one and the same.

So when I next glance at my daughter, and I see the blame that laces throughout her eyes, the rigid set of anger in her jaw as she glares defiantly at me, I’ll remember these lessons I’ve learned. When I next feel my patience begin to fade as she questions me about things I cannot answer honestly, I’ll think of how she will one day have full understanding of what happened. I will no longer have to protect what little sense of security she feels in her father because she will know that I will never leave. The questions she has will finally be answered, and I will no longer have to answer her, “You will understand when you are older.” Because one day she will understand. And when she does, I’ll be there, as always. I’m not going anywhere. This is the greatest lesson I’ve learned, and the one I hope to impart on both my children…True love doesn’t leave, ever. It endures.

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the lies pour from your lips

like the water

in the rain

 

i no longer fall for it

i have seen you

seen inside you

you’re sick

 

your blackness envelopes

everything you touch

your soul is no longer

anything of worth

 

i can feel my anger

seeping up, up

and out, into

a raving whirlwind

 

look out

make sure you duck

because my eyes

are shooting venom

 

your lies are tattooed

inside my head

the pain you have caused

reverberates…for generations

 

you smile at me

you make me sick

watch yourself now

 

i’m watching you

closely

waiting for my chance

 

i am the snake now

and she is your mouse

my venom is

 

your deception

it planted its seed

deep, deep

 

my rage grows

along side your lies

festering, fostering

waiting for the right

 

prepare,

prepare yourself
your lies come with

 

your time will come

for payment

history will arrive

 

on the deeds you

have done

the crimes you

 

the lies pour from your lips

like the water

in the rain

 

the downpour they

cause will forever

imprint the earth

leaving your legacy.

 

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Rough Justice. This is a phrase I heard the other night, and I thought it fit my life situation fairly accurately. I have to honestly say that this divorce is the worst thing I have ever been through, and I have been through some sad, crazy things, including my father’s suicide two years ago. The reason the divorce is the worst is that I’ve lost so much. As a friend of mine put it, I lost two best friends at once. I’ve had to learn to stop loving two people who once meant the world to me. And not only did I lose them, but I was betrayed by them both.

 

Rough Justice. What does this mean? One can look at it from a variety of angles. Some would say that I am being dealt rough justice for some past sins. After all, I must have done something to bring on this type of Karma. I agree with this to some degree. I’m willing to take my share of the blame for the dissolution of my marriage. I was not a perfect wife. I could have done so many things differently. I wasn’t always the most affectionate, loving woman. I often times was too tired or stressed to give my ex the things he must have felt he needed. So he left me for someone he thought could and would provide him with these unknown things. Unfortunately he failed to tell me what those things were before he made the decision to leave. I was never given the opportunity to change or make my marriage better.

 

One could also look at this rough justice as the Karma that my ex will surely begin noticing. After all, I have to believe that when a man leaves his wife and children and takes up residence with the best friend of the wife, then Karma must be lying in wait. One simply cannot be allowed to cause so much pain and devastation and walk away unscathed. After all, out of Chaos comes Order. The only appropriate Order that can come of this is through the rough justice that my ex will be dealt.

 

What will this rough justice look like? I like to believe that Karma hits us where it hurts us the most. For me it was security; I was stripped of my sense of security. I no longer had someone who would help me through the tough times – financially or emotionally. I’ve been left to simply flounder, given the option to either sink or swim. No one has thrown me a safety float. I’ve had to learn very quickly how to become a strong swimmer. So far I feel as if I’ve mastered the doggy paddle, but I’m getting tired and winded.

 

Being left to find my way out of this financial mess is bad enough, but my sense of emotional security has been stripped of me as well. I no longer have anyone to talk to about those every day events in life that can break one down. My ex and I were best friends, so much so that when I see him, I have to remind myself that this person betrayed me in the worst possible way. I find myself thinking throughout the day how he might enjoy a story or might possibly want to go to an event that is coming to town. My rough justice is coming full circle – I’m being made to realize what I have so completely lost. My best friend.

 

If this rough justice is dealing me a blow to my sense of security, then it must be dealing the ex a different kind of blow. I’m hoping it too hits him where he is most vulnerable…in the pocket book. Divorce is expensive. He keeps paying a lawyer to try to find ways out of paying me. I am not yet completely self sufficient. I honestly wish this were not the case, but the fact is that he left me after I gave up a very successful teaching career to become a stay at home mom. These things take a while to reestablish. It may be a few years before I find a permanent teaching position. Until then, he is going to have to keep paying, and paying, and paying. Life will not be lucrative for him, nor should it be. If he will not pay emotionally, as I have done, then he should be made to pay financially.

 

Divorce is a terrible, sad, devastating affair. I know what it is to lose someone suddenly and unexpectedly, by his own hand. I can speak from experience when I say that divorce is not that far from this type of death. Someone else chose to end my life as I knew it…I was betrayed by people who claimed to love me. And the ironic thing is that now those very people are blaming me for the loss of the very thing they took from me…my marriage. The demise of my marriage is my fault. I, apparently, am getting exactly everything I deserve.

 

If that is the case, then I say so be it. Who am I to fight Karma? I’ll take each hit with the same dignity I’ve taken every other humiliating hit. But soon, Karma will stop dealing me rough justice, and will instead raise her head and find a new target to focus on. And when that happens, God help the ex and his live in. I’ve been the one on the receiving end of the constant pain they have been responsible for dealing me. This type of devastation must be accounted for – a balance must be struck. One cannot keep wreaking havoc and pain without there being some sort of payback. The universe simply does not work that way.

 

So I’ll bide my time. I shall patiently wait for Karma to come full circle. I’ll find my release in writing, while I wait for that rough justice to be dealt out. The anger will dissipate, and in its place apathy will take up residence. Only when this happens can the world become a balanced place once again. So I’ll wait….

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Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. Who I am, what I’m doing, and where I’m going. I think that with the new year, I’m supposed to think that this is a new beginning. In fact, my new beginning began about 6 months ago. My life looks so different now, in a way I could never have imagined. I wish I could say I was happy. I’m not, and not because I’m a negative person but because life has proven to be something I never expected. This doesn’t mean I’ll never be happy again. I’ve actually been reassured by women who have been in my place before that I will be happier…eventually. For now, my life has taken a turn I never expected, one I never anticipated or wanted.

I never wanted to be a single mom. This was something that was thrust upon me because of the poor choices of another person. He wanted out. In order to get out, my life has to be restructured. I never imagined how difficult it would be as a single mom. When I was married, my “husband” worked out of town four days a week, so in a sense I was a single mom. The difference is I was in the battle of parenthood with someone else. Now I’m parenting by myself. It’s crazy how different of a parent I am too. I have to be both mother and father, and quite honestly, I don’t know how to do that. I’m still learning, and unfortunately, my children are my little guinea pigs. This is all hardly fair to them…this is not the life I had envisioned for them.

 

The most difficult part of being a single mom is the financial burdens that come with it. I have been working part time as a substitute teacher. Teaching is what I’m trained to do, so that’s what the courts ordered me to do. So I’m doing it. And I hate it, but I hate doing nothing even more, so I sub. The money isn’t great and it’s not enough to live on, let alone provide for any extras. Christmas was a pretty skimp affair around the house this year. Yet, somehow the ex was able to spoil the girls rotten. Not to sound like a whiner, but it wasn’t fair. Okay, I sound like a whiner. Sue me. It’s not fair. He is living with his girlfriend and has a duel income now. He leaves and his life changes not one iota except he traded me for a different model.

 

Speaking of this different model, she helps him on the weekends when he has the kids. Single father? I think not. Try doing it all week…all the hard stuff – home work, baths, discipline, the getting them ready and putting them to bed. I don’t get to do the fun stuff with them. We don’t have the time or the money, and I don’t have the energy.

Okay, this is sounding all to negative. You’re thinking, I’m sure, (that is if you’re even still reading), this is just too depressing. Yes, it is. It’s also real life…it’s my life. But it’s not all negative. There are many great things about life right now. My children. I still have my children, and no one can ever take them away from me. They’ve been forced to grow up a lot in the past six months, and it seems we’ve all lost a lot of our innocence. The worry I feel about supporting them can outshine the joy of having them at times, but I would be lost and devastated if they were ever taken from me. My children are a joy in this turbulent time.

There is also my work. I don’t like to sub, granted. I do like to teach though, and there are those rare moments when a regular classroom teacher will leave what are called teaching lesson plans, where I’m actually asked to instruct a class. I love this because I love the interaction with the students. They are why I went into teaching in the first place. Although I don’t get to go into the same classroom day after day, I do often get to go back to the same schools. There is a sense of familiarity with that that I enjoy.

 

Then there is the whole dating thing. It’s new to me. It’s fun and exciting. I was married when I was 19, so I never dated as an adult. I was with my ex husband since I was 16 years old, so to be dating now is like dating for the first time. I like men, and I enjoy spending time with them…maybe one in particular. There is nothing like someone of the opposite sex to make one feel beautiful and wanted. The companionship is great, as is having some adult conversation. Having someone to cook for again is also nice; although, I’m not the best cook, nor is it my favorite thing to do. It is a good feeling to watch someone eat what I’ve prepared – someone who has a finer culinary palate than chicken nuggets and tator tots.

 

Finally there is the lack of accountability to another person (other than my children). This is something I am just getting used to. Figuring this part out is taking me some time, probably because the ex still has the air of entitlement. The more I branch out on my own though, the greater my sense of independence becomes.  I’ve found that if I simply don’t respond to probing questions, then my power returns. I was put in a difficult life situation. I was forced to change not only my life, but who I am. This is going to take some time and getting used to.

I wish I could say that every day gets better and better. This is not exactly the case right now. Divorce is devastating. It has life-altering implications that reverberate and can be felt for years. I am on the search now for a new life. The future is unclear, but I do know that I will do whatever it takes to survive it. I don’t know what all that will entail. The next few months will be telling…I will remind myself that others have gone through it and have made it through the other side successfully, and I tell myself, sometimes constantly, that I will too.

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I look inside myself

I can’t find where you end

And I begin

 

My identity was so wrapped up

In you

Now I’m having trouble seeing

Who I really am

 

Stranded you left me

You took the ground

Beneath my feet

And walked away

 

I’m left on my own

When you promised me

So much more

But I don’t miss you

 

I miss me and who

I was, what I was

I miss the girl who

Didn’t care

 

Once I had confidence

In the person

I had become

Now that has vanished

 

I’m left with a feeling

Of deep despair

But not because

You’re gone, not at all

 

But because I’m the one

Who has vanished

Left in a river

gasping for air

 

I can’t stay here
Where I am
Barely afloat
That gives you power

 

Instead, I swim

Treading water only
But on I go

Sometimes breaking tide

 

Little by little

I will reach the shore

Of my life, who I am

Where I belong

 

I will come into myself

Once more know who

I was only

Without you this time

 

With a passion

I never knew I possessed

A love I never

Knew existed

 

I am free from

You, let go

Left adrift but

With a purpose

 

But for you

You will stay the same

Wreaking havoc like

A tornado

 

Leaving nothing but

Pain in your wake

Devastation that will

No longer touch me

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I do know that it has been almost five months exactly since my ex left me. Five months since my whole world has been turned upside down and the life that I previously knew ceased to exist.

 

There are a lot of emotions that are barreling through my sense of being right now. Although we may not be technically divorced today (how odd to think that yesterday I was married, but today, not so), I have been divorced from the ex since he left me. Since the day we stood in what was once our bedroom, and he told me he no longer loved me, nor was he happy, I divorced myself from him that day. The second he stood in the middle of everything that was wrong with our marriage and blamed me for not fixing it, I became a divorced woman.

 

As I said, I have a lot of emotions about my divorce, and even though my ex left me, I feel I carry the weight of the burden for its failure. I am angry, of course. I feel sad, guilty, bitter, scared, and a whole other plethora of emotions that I can’t even begin to name.

 

Oh, but I am angry. I am angry at all that I lost. I’m not talking just financial security. I lost the right to stay at home and raise my kids. I lost the ability to meet their needs in a way I haven’t been able to since the ex bolted. Vanished from me are the children I once knew – secure and happy. Now they are replaced with children who say, “Mommy, you’ll never leave, right?” I am angry that my children even have that fear instilled in them: the one where people you love leave you if they aren’t happy. Because that is the life they know now.

 

I feel sad too. Sad that I couldn’t make 15 years of marriage last. I play it over and over in my mind, wondering what I could have done differently. But he wanted me to change into something I wasn’t – or to change back to someone I used to be. He never changed, but when I did, instead of appreciating the growth, he resented it. It threatened his way of life. I’m sad I couldn’t make him understand that soon, it would have been better. Now it is too late; I could never go back to someone who hurt me in such a devastating way. The betrayal alone still makes me catch my breath.

 

The guilt I feel is ironic. I’m not the one who caused the failure of my marriage, but I am the one who feels the most responsible for it, apparently. I still cry for what was lost – not for the man, but for the union. I cry for the broken vows, and I feel guilty for promises broken, even though I’m not the one who broke them. The guilt I have over being a statistic – I’m a “broken” home, and it tears me up. I watch TV or movies and see all the families, and I feel guilty because I’m a single mom now. I couldn’t give my girls a family – I couldn’t keep my family together. They say the man is the head of the household but the woman is the neck. I guess my ex thought the neck became too weak to hold him up any longer.

 

And the bitterness. Yes, there is bitterness. I’m working on getting over the bitterness, but it’s hard to when it was so easy for him to move right on…and with one of my ex-friends. There is great bitterness in that betrayal. I get the experience of knowing the ex is playing house with my girls and his girlfriend every weekend. Yes I’m bitter about “the other woman” but not out of jealousy. I’m bitter that she pushed me down, and is now trying to stand in my place – a place I once cherished and honored: that of wife and mother. I’m a little bitter that she is trying to replace me. Someone needs to send her a note though; the real mother can never be replaced.

 

I still get very scared. My future is so uncertain that fear takes up residence in my being constantly. I’m going to be scared for a very long time, I think. Accepting it does not help dissipate it either. That whole “You have nothing to fear but fear itself” is garbage. I have things to fear. Big, real things, like the mortgage, food, gas, work, and now, it’s Christmas. Yes, I’m scared of Christmas. I won’t have money to purchase my girls Christmas presents. How am I going to do that? I don’t know. Fear of the unknown…my whole future is unknown; therefore, I fear it.

 

I don’t feel very strong, despite reassurances that I am developing great strength during this time. I feel like hiding, in all honesty. I feel like burying myself in someone’s arms and letting it all melt away. I need that in fact. Someone to hold me up for a while, until I can get my bearings. That’s what friends are for, and I’ve got some great ones. I’ve been blessed in that area. It’s amazing how lonely one can feel though, even though she is not alone.

 

So it’s been five months since I was betrayed, left, and broken. Not shattered, just broken. Today, I should be getting divorced. And technically since it only takes three months to get divorced, I shall continue to consider myself divorced. I’m not separated – the split is final. All that’s missing are two signatures on a piece of paper. And that will come soon enough.

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Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 I remember going on vacation a few years ago (can it really be a vacation for a mother when she takes it with her children and her in-laws?) to Ocean Shores with my two daughters, Emma, then two and a half, and Ella 5 months. I love the Ocean – but unfortunately I did not get to go to the shore too much. As I stated; it’s not much of a vacation with two girls and the (ex) in-laws. It’s more work than anything else.What  I noticed about this particular vacation was that I didn’t belong. That may sound odd, but I didn’t. Surrounding me were all these people who belonged to each other – my then husband to his family, my daughters to them, and they to my daughters. I belonged only to my daughters and my daughters to me. In retrospect, I realize now that a woman should not feel as if she doesn’t belong to her husband.
 

 

 

Reflecting on this vacation (I have yet to go on vacation since) has me pondering my place in this world: where I belong and to whom I belong. Think about all those people in the world to whom you belong; we all belong to someone, eventually. 

 

 While at the Ocean, Emma and I decided to take a walk down to the beach one afternoon. I like the ocean a lot; all that vast, open sea. The sound, the smells. The pure power of nature is overwhelming. A small child truly puts nature into perspective for you, and reminds you to respect it as they naturally show their fear of it. Emma would look at the ocean, and I could see she was scared of it by her body language. Children are wonderful at reminding us that the world is so much greater than we are.

 

On our walk, Emma and I began looking for sea shells. We were walking late in the day, so I did not expect to find anything. As we were walking, we came across a pretty little shell that wasn’t whole, but was still very beautiful. I picked it up and handed it to Emma, and said, “Look Em, isn’t it pretty?” She took the shell from me, saw that it was broken, dropped it on the ground, and said, “Yuck, it’s broken.”

 

I picked it up out of the sand, shook it off, and held it up for her to see. As I held it in my hand and pointed out the pretty features, I said, “Isn’t it beautiful?” To which she replied, “Yeah, Emma hold it.”

 

As Emma took the sea shell from my hand, I said, “You know Emma, we need to remember that just because something is broken doesn’t mean it’s not beautiful.”The events of the past few months have left me feeling rather broken. I don’t feel like that sea shell after it had been picked up and wiped off.  I feel covered in sand, buried, with people stepping over me, barely noticeable. I don’t have a place to which I belong. That was taken from me, and now I lay in the sand, hoping against hope, that someone will pick me up, gently wipe the sand from me, and see, although broken, just how beautiful I really am.  I doubt this will happen. We are a society so very intent on having all that is beautiful, yet we are a civilization overflowing with broken souls. What an irony.

 

I won’t wait around to be picked up. I am unlike the shell because I have to pick myself up before the ocean sweeps me into its tides. I am broken. I have been betrayed, humiliated, left, and forgotten. But I do belong somewhere; I just haven’t figured out where.

 

 

 

I also wonder if that is why God makes so many broken things in nature beautiful. To remind us that even though we are broken, we too are beautiful.I’ll find my place in this world eventually. I may not belong to anyone or anywhere right now, but I know I do belong to my creator. I wish, in all honesty, that were enough for me right now. I know where I’m from; now I need to figure out where I’m going. God is there beside me: my comfort in that is great. For now though, I must simply get up from the sand, and start walking. Eventually, I will find a place where I belong. I will find my beautiful, and when I do, I will carry it with me.

 

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Money…ahhhhh yes, money. The one thing I don’t have. Any of. Not just a little bit or not enough – I simply don’t have any. It appears that my ex husband left me at just the worst possible time – from an economical standpoint. I don’t know that there ever is a really good time to be left – well, maybe…hmmm.

 

I digress. Money. I grew up poor, a fact that I never really share with people. It’s simply the way life always was. Oh, we had enough to eat, and I was clothed; although my clothes were often a product of Good Will. We had a roof over our head and all the basic necessities. What we didn’t have were the extras. ANY of the extras – for sports, girl scouts, or any type of activities or clubs. Movies were out of the question, so were all the other fun things my friends got to do on the weekends.

 

I grew up knowing what it was like to be teased for the clothes I wore. I learned to fight to defend my “poor” status. I wasn’t proud of the fact that I didn’t have the same things other kids did. I was ashamed.

 

In me grew a fear of money – or lack of it. The type of fear I’m talking about comes with the knowledge that there is no financial security, really, ever. This has left me, now, in a constant state of anxiety.

 

While I was married, I – we – had a fair amount of money. We never wanted or needed for anything. I’m sure my ex would tell you he needed a boat or a new truck, but honestly, those were not the needs I was worried about meeting. As long as we had enough money to pay the bills, feed ourselves, and maybe have a little extra left over (which we always seemed to), I considered us very lucky.

 

Now it’s different. I haven’t been able to find work, and as much as I would like for this writing thing to take off, well it hasn’t really worked out that way. I’m technically trained to be a teacher, which means I have been “ordered” by the court to “find” employment teaching. This means substituting. This means depending on work day by day. It hasn’t been working out. So far, I have received zero sub jobs. Apparently, there is little need for subs in my area. Great.

 

So I have no money. Oh, yeah, my ex has been ordered to give me some of his (rightly so, I believe) for a brief period of time. I’m supposed to find a job teaching or one that pays comparable to teaching. Not an easy task in this economy.

 

I know there are a lot of folks out there who have recently lost their jobs. It’s a scary time right now. Hanging in there is easier said than done. And it’s usually said by those who have jobs – nice to be reassured by someone who has a regular paycheck coming in. I wish I could rest assured in the fact that I still have a roof over my head. In fact, I know I’m lucky I still have a roof over my head. Many people have lost theirs.

 

I won’t tell those people to hang in there. I’m going to say what someone said to me today when I told her my ex left me: “That is one of the worst possible things that could happen to you.” Finally! Some honesty. Yes! This is one of the worst possible things that could happen to me. But it did happen. And now I have to make it all okay – and financially I have no idea how to go about doing that.

 

But our economy has done this before, right? It’ll all be okay; we have to just not panic. I know I’m not going to panic. I’m going to hide in my closet instead. I mean, they can’t take my house away if I’m still in it right? Or maybe I’ll just hide under the covers and pretend this all isn’t happening. Ignorance is bliss, head in the sand and all that. Anyone else out there care to join me? After all, if seeing is believing, and you’re in a dark closet, or hiding under the covers – how much of this can really be happening? Huh? That’s what I thought.

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You’re the frog, I’m the princess

Switch places, won’t you, with me?
Kissing you is useless
Switch places with who I used to be
I’ve crawled up from the bottom

Of this black pit of despair

I’ve rocked my way to forgotten

And drank my way to repair

 

But this heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

You hooked it up to some junker cables

And me, well, I hoped for a quick jumpstart

But you could only love me to stable
This heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

Has nowhere to go but to you

To your arms I flee, nope not very smart

I can’t help it; You’re my somewhere new

 

I’ve taken off my crown, stepped out of my gown

I see you and my pulse goes into over-drive

I’ve replaced my tiara for our carnal sounds
And I’ve opted for the wild ride
I sink into your arms, the strength of embrace

Bodies pressed closer together

Your breath on my neck, my mind, it’s a race

To fight what might be here, our forever

 

But this heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

You hooked up to some junker cables

And me, well, I hoped for a quick jumpstart

But you could only love me to stable
This heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

Has nowhere to go but to you

To your arms I flee, nope not very smart

I can’t help it; You’re my somewhere new

 

I stumble, but not from drunkenness
I head deeper and deeper into you

I fell but it was just an accident

How the Hell’d I fall in love with you?

 

But this heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

You hooked up to some junker cables

And me, well, I hoped for a quick jumpstart

But you could only love me to stable
This heart, this heart, this trashed out heart

Has nowhere to go but to you

To your arms I flee, nope not very smart

I can’t help it; You’re my somewhere new.

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